From the WSJ Opinion Archives
TASTE COMMENTARY
A TV Season on the Brink
Reality TV shows I'd like to see.
The reviews are in. For Adam Buckman, writing in the New York Daily News, the "Anna Nicole Show" was so bad that he felt sorry for the people whose job it was to put it together, and for its viewers too. He used the word "torture." Ken Ringle, in the Washington Post, compared watching Anna Nicole to a trip to the vomitorium in Caligula's Rome. And those were the good reviews.
Of course, the oil-tycoon widow and frequent litigant is merely the E! Channel's entry in the reality-show sweepstakes, following on MTV's "The Osbournes." Soon to come are Liza Minnelli and husband-producer David Gest in an "musical reality" series on VH1. Also in the works, on the WB network, is "The Surreal World," in which B-list celebrities live and work in a house together.
With the fall season just around the corner, our fax machine has been spitting out press releases from other networks planning shows to capitalize on this celebrity-reality trend. Here are a few we saved from the shredder . . .
• Rawer than "The Osbournes" and Liza Minnelli combined, and with worse hair, C-SPAN brings you "Traficant!" Follow loose-cannon Rep. Jim Traficant from the House to his house to the Big House. Whatever domicile he's in, Traficant is the guy who put the "shun" in dysfunction. Though he gives the camera plenty of profanity-filled tirades as he brooks no fools, you may be surprised to see the more subtle, behind-the-scenes negotiator engaged skillfully in the art of compromise. In the first episode, he works both sides of the aisle over the issue of his expulsion and experiences his greatest legislative triumph when he gets Gary Condit's crucial vote against his ouster to make the final tally 420-1.
• Bravo weighs in on the at-home reality trend with "The Salingers," not starring J.D. Salinger. Here, a camera stationed in J.D. Salinger's home fails to catch the reclusive author of "The Catcher in the Rye" doing anything. Series highlight: The Pynchons don't visit.
• The hit of the fall season is sure to be CNBC's "CEO House." What happens when a group of CEOs are secluded in a boardroom, out of touch with the outside world and unaware of what's going on elsewhere in their companies, and are forced to form alliances that will lead to their being expelled one by one? Wait, that doesn't sound so different from what they normally do, does it? The catch in "CEO House" is that they get no stock options! See Martha Stewart in the kitchen cooking meals and books. Look at Enron's Kenneth Lay inflate a kiddie pool and try to convince everyone that it's Olympic size. The suspense will continue right up to the end of the season, when the votes are tabulated by the accounting firm of Arthur Andersen--so there's no telling who will win!
• If Major League Baseball players go on strike, Fox Sports will be ready. In summer's answer to the popular Christmas Day "Yule Log" showing, "Ted Williams on Ice" gives overheated baseball junkies a cool, continuous viewing of the cryogenically preserved star lying in state, accompanied by a soundtrack of favorite ballpark songs like "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and Bruce Springsteen's "10th Avenue Freeze Out." As Fox puts it: "When the dog days come, gather the family around the TV, suck on a sno-cone and see how baseball's last .400 hitter looks at 400 degrees below zero!"
• You watched her talk show. You read her autobiography, "Find Me." You saw her movies. Her magazine landed in your mailbox every month. But still, a thought kept running through your fevered brain: "I can't get enough Rosie!" In an unprecedented consortium, a dozen networks have joined together to assure you that you'll never have to go a minute of the day without Rosie programming. From Lifetime TV, which has attached a camera to her adopted child (so you'll get a baby's-view close-up of Rosie's face and hear nonsense talk) to Nick at Nite, which will rerun her talk show (ditto), Rosie will be everywhere. Start the day on Black Entertainment Television with "Rosie Raps!" While away the afternoon on crafty projects as House & Garden TV brings you "Rosie Wraps!" And finish off the day at The History Channel, with the educational program "Rosie at Guadalcanal: The Battle for Supremacy in the Pacific Theater and How It Affected Me."
• "Completely absorbing," says Variety. "Wipes away all the other celebrity reality shows," says Entertainment Weekly. Why would the star of one of cable TV's highest-rated shows, who has built his reputation on a likeable, wacky persona, allow cameras into his home for what becomes an exposé of his messy private life? For the answer to that, you'd have to ask SpongeBob SquarePants himself. Whatever the reason, Nickelodeon's "SpongeBob: Behind the Drawing Board" makes for riveting viewing. Bob's palatial crib near Santa Monica has an ocean view out every window, since it's in the ocean, but those luxe surroundings don't prevent conflicts in the SquarePants household. Bob's current girlfriend (after his breakup with Powerpuff Girl Buttercup), Angelica Pickles of the Rugrats, is constantly at his throat, or rather where his throat would be if he had a neck. At one point after dinner, Bob screams: "You're acting like a three-year-old. I always have to do the dishes!" Angelica counters with: "I am a three-year-old." Later in the season, Bob finds out that she likes Chore Boy. Tears flow.
• And finally, David Blaine weighs in on A&E with "David Blaine: Remote at Home," in which the magician and stunt performer--last seen standing on an 80-foot pillar in New York for 35 hours straight--will bring off his most harrowing trick yet. He'll be surrounded fully with a comfortable flannel robe, its belt pulled tightly around his middle; his feet will be encased firmly in shearling slippers; and, taking for sustenance only chips, salsa and beer, he'll place himself on his own leather couch and force himself to watch all the other celebrities show off their home lives. How long will he be able to endure the strain before he finds his thumb twitching over the remote control? If he's able to weather the horrific sight of Anna Nicole at the fridge, or withstand the sounds of a Liza Minnelli/Barry Manilow duet, the ultimate test will come in the final hour, when he'll prepare to view a new show that will test the limits of human capacity for pain: "Geraldo Rivera: Welcome to My World."
Mr. Jennings is a writer in Tarrytown, N.Y., whose work has appeared in the humor anthology "Mirth of a Nation."
